Friday, January 7, 2011

It was all about sharing

I used to have so many dreams, my childhood and adolescence were a racing track for my ambitions, and the sky was really the limit. I saw no boundaries and no limits for my capabilities, always felt that I was so special, and I knew that I was going to be someone special.

But I didn’t know the ways of life, the things that people do to achieve their goals, it never came to my mind that I have to twist reality sometimes or may be lie or be someone’s dear friend to reach my goals. I thought that being capable and talented was more than enough, no need ever for concessions… no need to bow and bend for the rules of society….. But I was wrong…..

Time was passing by, I tried to do things my way...… to deal with life according to my own logic, and I thought I was so strong, stronger than society…. I thought my logic would be seen by so many people, that they would see it as clear as I see it…. I thought they would care… But again I was wrong…..

Life is really a journey that we all walk alone, no matter how many people surround us, we are always on our own, may be it won’t be so visible for so many of you, but I finally could see it so clear…. Despite how painful it is and how sad it makes me feel, but it’s just a part of reality. Because I always look for the true deep meanings of things, and extend my reaches as much as I can to see where everything ends, which is in a way part of my tendency to minimalize and abstract everything, I was trying to reach the essence of human connection in its most intimate ways…. but it was not possible, just impossible to be, like it is against the laws of the universe. That’s how I came to my conclusion, and that’s why it won’t be so evident to many people, because not everyone would embark on such an experience, but trust me, you can never judge something or know it for real unless you see it all, see where it begins and find where it ends.

No one can deny his own existence, no one can be more conscious about someone else than about his own self, that’s why human connection in its absolute form is impossible to be, there is always, no matter how big is love and close are the souls, a thin line of separation….. That’s why we are always alone, and no human beings can merge their existence together…. We can have as close friends and spouses as we can, but at a certain point on the journey we will be totally alone, because this is what we really are…..

Now when I look back, I see that this is what I was really looking for, connection and sharing in their absolute form, all my other dreams were just ways to support and reach this dream. And perhaps being an introvert by nature, having my own logic and ways to conceive the world around me, making me isolated from society, they all added to my sense of loneliness, the sense of being misunderstood and this wild unlimited desire for intimacy.