the end of the day

Why do I always get my inspirations late in the night when I am about to sleep? Why do I get this turmoil of feelings and thoughts? Why do I get to see so clear then… just when I say to myself that it’s time to sleep, just when I make my mind to end the day…. Just then, someone opens the light of my ideas…. And my feelings seem so alive…. I feel nothing is standing between me and myself, and then I can see so clear inside myself and reflect on the outer world and on my life… why? Why? I noticed this long time ago…. But every day I was lazy to sit down and start writing…. I didn’t know what I could write… I was afraid of unfolding something new about myself that I don’t know…. I did not know where it would lead me…. But I had no doubt that it will take me more and more in this lonesome road I walk in….

Even when I do not write, I still do not go to sleep… I keep on doing anything…. Just anything.. and sometimes nothing… sitting here, then sitting there, listening to this song, then that song, play some music, reopen that website that I have already opened a dozen times…. And I keep wasting my time like I am running from something… I check the clock and realize that it’s already too late, that there is no escape, that whatever I do time will never stop and the clock will keep on ticking and sooner or later I have to accept it and end the day….

Why? I know that I am not the only one why feels this… but still, why? Is it because what going to sleep means? It means another day is gone, another day of our limited life is over… and it’s never coming back. But why don’t I just put myself to rest … another day is coming anyway! …. It’s coming very soon, I won’t feel anything, just close my eyes and I will be there very soon…. But is it really the idea of losing one more day in my life, that’s what we resist?… is it that I get so close to the fact of our transient existence when I witness with my own self this process of letting go another day, the unit with which we count our existence on earth…. That’s why I get these mixed feelings of nostalgia, melancholy and inner peace… nostalgia for the days that passed me by, melancholy for knowing that they will never come back and peace for getting so near to the truth…

Is it loneliness? Avoiding going to bed alone? Does it hurt us so much from the inside? Loneliness is a very harsh experience for sure, but why does it ache so badly at this time precisely? Still a confusing fact…. Or may be going to bed a lone is a strong reminder of my loneliness, when the word outside is so quiet, streets are empty and deadly… and no sound but the nightingale and the echoes of its singing reflected on the inhomogeneous buildings of this big city…. People are all in their homes, in their beds… and it’s only me and the night out there…. That feels so nostalgic… I think I am getting closer. I remember one thing, how bad was this feeling during my stay in Sudan, these lonely long nights at my single, small and windowless room…. It was awful…. Inescapable loneliness, that’s how I can describe it…. There was nothing to do, no one to be with and nowhere to go…. How bad did that moment feel when I stretched my arm to turn off the light… I always tried to escape it, I used to do the same things and try to find any excuse to stretch the day a bit… but all in vain. Back then I felt loneliness as I have never knew it before, although loneliness as an idea have always seemed kind of appealing and inspiring to me, but at these days I really knew how cruel it can be… and again it was mostly at the end of the day. I remember so clear this feeling I had when I laid my head on the pillow, and I suddenly feel lost in this darkness… my mind just stops and everything seems so quite that my mind is not left with anything but myself to percept…. And the feeling gets more profound, and my loneliness is no the loneliness of a man with no companion within the boundaries of his limited society, but it rather felt like the loneliness of a world citizen, who is lonely in this whole world…. It was a feeling of a lonesome existence….

So yes, loneliness is a reason for why I escape from going to bed…. I think it’s all the reasons together, not just loneliness… in the end I am a human being, not a machine, my feelings are very complex and interlaced…. But it feels good to unfold these motives and feelings of my own self… it feels more relaxing and coherent… but I am just afraid of losing my spontaneity and reactiveness with each fact I confront myself with and accept…. I am afraid of becoming colder and colder….