the end of the day

Why do I always get my inspirations late in the night when I am about to sleep? Why do I get this turmoil of feelings and thoughts? Why do I get to see so clear then… just when I say to myself that it’s time to sleep, just when I make my mind to end the day…. Just then, someone opens the light of my ideas…. And my feelings seem so alive…. I feel nothing is standing between me and myself, and then I can see so clear inside myself and reflect on the outer world and on my life… why? Why? I noticed this long time ago…. But every day I was lazy to sit down and start writing…. I didn’t know what I could write… I was afraid of unfolding something new about myself that I don’t know…. I did not know where it would lead me…. But I had no doubt that it will take me more and more in this lonesome road I walk in….

Even when I do not write, I still do not go to sleep… I keep on doing anything…. Just anything.. and sometimes nothing… sitting here, then sitting there, listening to this song, then that song, play some music, reopen that website that I have already opened a dozen times…. And I keep wasting my time like I am running from something… I check the clock and realize that it’s already too late, that there is no escape, that whatever I do time will never stop and the clock will keep on ticking and sooner or later I have to accept it and end the day….

Why? I know that I am not the only one why feels this… but still, why? Is it because what going to sleep means? It means another day is gone, another day of our limited life is over… and it’s never coming back. But why don’t I just put myself to rest … another day is coming anyway! …. It’s coming very soon, I won’t feel anything, just close my eyes and I will be there very soon…. But is it really the idea of losing one more day in my life, that’s what we resist?… is it that I get so close to the fact of our transient existence when I witness with my own self this process of letting go another day, the unit with which we count our existence on earth…. That’s why I get these mixed feelings of nostalgia, melancholy and inner peace… nostalgia for the days that passed me by, melancholy for knowing that they will never come back and peace for getting so near to the truth…

Is it loneliness? Avoiding going to bed alone? Does it hurt us so much from the inside? Loneliness is a very harsh experience for sure, but why does it ache so badly at this time precisely? Still a confusing fact…. Or may be going to bed a lone is a strong reminder of my loneliness, when the word outside is so quiet, streets are empty and deadly… and no sound but the nightingale and the echoes of its singing reflected on the inhomogeneous buildings of this big city…. People are all in their homes, in their beds… and it’s only me and the night out there…. That feels so nostalgic… I think I am getting closer. I remember one thing, how bad was this feeling during my stay in Sudan, these lonely long nights at my single, small and windowless room…. It was awful…. Inescapable loneliness, that’s how I can describe it…. There was nothing to do, no one to be with and nowhere to go…. How bad did that moment feel when I stretched my arm to turn off the light… I always tried to escape it, I used to do the same things and try to find any excuse to stretch the day a bit… but all in vain. Back then I felt loneliness as I have never knew it before, although loneliness as an idea have always seemed kind of appealing and inspiring to me, but at these days I really knew how cruel it can be… and again it was mostly at the end of the day. I remember so clear this feeling I had when I laid my head on the pillow, and I suddenly feel lost in this darkness… my mind just stops and everything seems so quite that my mind is not left with anything but myself to percept…. And the feeling gets more profound, and my loneliness is no the loneliness of a man with no companion within the boundaries of his limited society, but it rather felt like the loneliness of a world citizen, who is lonely in this whole world…. It was a feeling of a lonesome existence….

So yes, loneliness is a reason for why I escape from going to bed…. I think it’s all the reasons together, not just loneliness… in the end I am a human being, not a machine, my feelings are very complex and interlaced…. But it feels good to unfold these motives and feelings of my own self… it feels more relaxing and coherent… but I am just afraid of losing my spontaneity and reactiveness with each fact I confront myself with and accept…. I am afraid of becoming colder and colder….

everybody wants to be found

We all hide under a mask, waiting for the right one to uncover those mysteries of our souls, buried deep inside each one of us.... we seek connection and love, we want to be seen for what we really are and get accepted in that way...

How I wish to be found. How I dream of being seen for what I really am…. But I found this to be so hard, to almost being impossible…. And like so many other explanations of our life philosophy that I seek, I found this again to be due to the imperfection and weakness of our human nature…. That’s the reason why many of the things we dream and long for can never be in real life… that’s the reason for so many of our frustrations….. That’s why those dreams will always be as dreams, and we will always try to approach them and cope with these frustrations through our artistic creations…. We will always be on this quest to find this happiness that we dream of…

Everybody wants to be found the same like you do, we all want the same thing, we all have the same defect… we all see inside our own selves than we see in others.. we all live within the borders of our percepted existence… it is so hard for our sight to get through these borders and reach to others..... but you must keep your palms stretched and reach out for others if you want them to reach you, may be it will cause you to be hurt or disappointed sometimes, may be you will be more vulnerable... but if not, you might hurt the right one when he comes, or he might pass unnoticed.... how great would our lives be if we all reach out and try to look for the human being inside each other.

At least we can try to reach as close as we can to this dream world…. It’s all what’s in our hands… never lose hope, but at the same time, don’t expect anything…. Accept life as it is… enjoy what you have… try to search for a meaning in everyday and every event, in every person you meet and every spoken word… search for the joy of living life as it is, not the frustration of longing for the life as you want it to be….

the visionaries

I have always had the tendency to categorize human beings, perhaps since I was a child, I remember going in a stage of some kind of body parts categorization….noses, hands, feet and lips…!! I don’t recall exactly how I got interested in this, but I just noticed that there are certain patterns that are repeated among humans…. I started studying these patterns and relating them to racial origins and personalities….. As I grew older and the evil side of humanity started to show itself to me, I started categorizing people into good or bad, and I kept doing so for a long time, I don’t know…. Why I couldn’t see the different colors of the spectrum…. Perhaps because I always kept myself isolated, living in my own world with my own rules, I always liked to look to the world from a distance and see the big picture….

But it’s very hard to resist the shearing forces of time and life….. After going through many disappointments on the personal level, not just love, but the different kinds of human interconnections, I started to realize that not all people are like me, they do not think as I do…. The boundaries between right and wrong are not so visible for many people and are different for many others as compared to myself, and even when it is visible for some, they might have a different logic than mine, they might see the same things but with different colors…. Not all people think that much as I do, people have different priorities than mine, people can look to life in a different way….. Although even then it seemed to me that my way is the right one, which is most likely the case for every one of us, we all think that our own way is the right one… everybody looks to life from his own window, that’s why the view is always different…..

Discovering this was some kind of shock, but it answered so many questions and lots of things, especially about my relationships, started to make sense…. And I continue to look around, think and then look around again, analyze and reflect… and learn about life and my own perception to it….

Recently I discovered a new scale for categorizing human beings. After the critical events that took place in Egypt and after going through these hard times, that somehow and magically show you so many things about the people around you… they always say that hard times tend to expose the inside of us and everyone show up with what he really is…. It is strange how weird and unexpected we behave when we feel threatened… it is strange how highly evolved creatures like us are still controlled by our survival instinct. In these hard times people tend to naturally and unintentionally group themselves or gather into fewer groups… in a strange unexpected process, some sort of natural selection…. Even more, they gather despite many differences in their backgrounds that in their normal life would make it very unlikely for them to meet… you see enemies becoming friends and friends becoming enemies…. You get close to people you never knew before and you get far from other to whom you are bound by blood…. And so on.

Anyway, some people have this ability to see beyond the material boundaries of our perception…. a vision, the ability to see what’s beyond and believe in the unseen and the untouchable… some people can fight for a dream and have faith in it… and in many cases they stand for and have faith in the moral value itself not the outcome, i.e. it is not for the benefit they might get, even on the long run…. It is just the idea, what they believe in. I can also describe it as being able to see the bigger picture without being distracted by little details, having an imagination of the how this bigger picture can evolve in the future…. Again it can be described as vision! I can describe it as being able to believe in absolute morals… justice, equality, love, peace… etc. without being distracted by their needs and benefits that can distort their perception of these values…. Its again vision and vigilance! But surprisingly these virtues I described, they mostly have nothing to do with intelligence, education or wealth of the person…. These people just exist discrepantly among various sectors of any human society…. It seems again like another black & white classification, like the good & bad classification that I used to have….. Could it be true? Am not sure, could I be missing something? Maybe…. but the sure thing is that there are still so many things to learn about this strange world…..